Satire: Town moves to buy Verizon (February 26, 2016)
In response to a request by attorneys from BB&K urging the council to come up with some way of increasing billings to keep the Town’s legal team afloat, the town council approved an agenda item to buy Verizon Communications.
The action comes after years of Verizon being one of only two approved cable companies in Apple Valley, which allowed it to exercise near-monopoly power over customers who didn’t want service from competing cable, satellite, or Internet TV companies.
What really stuck in our craw, states Mayor Barb Stanton,
is that Verizon is currently for sale, just not to us.
According to John Brown of BB&K, it should be smooth sailing now that the decision has been made.
The sale of Verizon to Frontier Communications is pretty far along, but we can still sue Verizon, Frontier, those crooks at the California Public Utilities Commission, and anyone else who gets in our way. I’m finally going to be able to buy the boat of my dreams!
The approved agenda specifies that none of Verizon’s physical facilities or customers outside of Apple Valley’s sphere of influence will be affected by this action.
The council’s direction is clear on this point, stated Assistant Town Manager Marc Puckett.
We’re only interested in Verizon assets within the town limits. My analysis shows this will have no bearing on any other part of Verizon, or on the deal with Frontier.
Inhabitant C. William (
Bob) Heeblehauser, spokesman for the Town-sponsored advocacy group Residents for More Progress, was overjoyed at the news.
I hate government and I hate cable companies. I can’t wait until I can get my cable service from the Town.
Representatives of Frontier and Verizon declined to comment, but Stanton made an impassioned statement on behalf of everyone involved:
This is our TV we’re talking about. It’s a community asset. It shouldn’t be held hostage by faceless corporations with offices miles away in some other city or wherever. With the Town council running our TV provider, we’ll finally have local control. If you’re watching one channel and you want to watch a different one, we’ll switch it for you. Do you think those Chinamen over at Verizon or Frontier will do that for you? You’ll just have to remember to call Monday through Thursday, between 9:00 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. Leave us a message and someone will get to it as soon as they can.